Big Birthday Breakfast

Posted: April 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Albert Dock - Photo by Jilly Gardiner

The 3 Rs… Reading, Riting, and Rithmetic (I think they need to add an ‘S’ for Spelling!)  

I gave myself the day off school today…. I had a good excuse.. it’s my birthday!   I’m officially a teenager!  The big ONE-THREE (13).   I didn’t expect a prezzy off me ma, and she met my expectations.   BUT she DID remember… and that’s a prezzy in itself!   

Last week I found a fiver blowing along the walkway at the Albert Dock (Yes I DID find it – I didn’t rob it!).  I decided to keep it until today, so I could treat myself. There’s this cafe/restaurant on the dock that always looks so warm and welcoming when I walk by it.   It’s got big windows and warm orange lighting.   I always see people, families and  fellas with their birds sitting laughing in the window while they dig into their big breakfasts.   They look dead happy.  I thought to myself..I’m going go and sit in there on my birthday and be dead happy!

So here I was today with this fiver… I walked down to the dock and went in the cafe/restaurant.   I clocked a table on the left and headed over to it.  Just as I was sliding into the seat, this woman with dead long eyelashes came over, the eyelashes can’t be real; no one has eyelashes that long! (Except camels!).  She goes ‘Excuse me, are you wanting a table?’  

I thought to myself, no, I’m already sitting at one thanks!  But I knew that’s not what she meant…. she meant ‘what’s someone like you doing in here!’.

So I said ‘Yes, I’ll take this table, thanks’.

She goes ‘You do realise that you must purchase food if you sit at a table?’

I said ‘Yes, I’m going to eat here, thanks’.  I said it with  a posh voice, like she was saying it… I thought it might make me look older, and might make her think that I’m a school leaver with a job in an office or something.

She goes ‘You do have money don’t you?’  

‘Indeed I do!’ I answered.   Haven’t got a clue where ‘indeed’ came from, but it sounded good.  And she was definitely impressed!

‘Would you like to see the menu’, she said.   I already knew exactly what I wanted!   That huge, tasty full breakfast with bacon, fried eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns, and beans.   So I told her I’d have the full breakfast with a large mug of coffee on the side!   So she went away with a face like she was chewing a wasp. 

I sat there, all excited… feeling dead old, now I was a teenager.   Then I clocked the inside of the menu which was facing me on the table, it read ‘Large English breakfast – £4.95’      I was horrified! I only had a fiver and I’d ordered a coffee as well!   I had to call the woman over and tell her I wasn’t thirsty anymore, so can I cancel the coffee, and just have the big breakfast.   Her face wasn’t welcoming like the ones I’d seen through the window from outside.  Her eyes where slitty, and her long eyelashes where fluttering up and down as she blinked like a camel with a nervous twitch.

I finally got my big birthday breakfast.   I was so proud, sitting in the that window, knife and fork in hand, a teenager – a man.    That breakfast was the best food I’d ever tasted! I lapped every bit of it up, and wiped the plate clean with the toast that came with it.   When the woman took the plate away, she could have just put it straight back in the cupboard as it was so clean and shiny; not a trace of food on it!

When I paid the bill, I remembered that you supposed to leave a tip for the waitress.  So when I gave her the fiver I proudly said ‘keep the change’.  But instead of the smile and the ‘thank you’ that I expected, the woman looked at me as if I’d just nicked her handbag and then handed it back to her, minus her purse!  She snatched the fiver from my fingers, spun around and walked off.  And she kept the five pence change afterall!  Ungrateful cow! (or should that be ‘camel’!)

I spent the rest of my birthday in a state of wonderful contentment.  Bunked on one of the Mersey ferries and sailed back and forth across the Mersey for a few hours, feeling the salt water on my face as I leant  over the rail on deck.  And the great thing about bunking on the ferries is that people always leave bits of perfectly good food that they’ve bought, and half-finished drinks.  And the staff take ages to clear it up! So I get to eat and drink while I sail back and forth to Wallasey and Birkenhead!  What more could you ask on your 13th birthday!

When I got home, me ma was in.  She was sitting in the livingroom with her legs over the side of the chair dragging on a ciggy.  ‘ Got a present for you Tommy, it’s in the pantry!’  I couldn’t believe it! She not only remembered my birthday but had got me a prezzy!  I rushed to the  pantry and flung open the door, to see this tiny puppy sitting in a cardboard box on the floor!  Oh my God! I picked him up and cuddled him.. he was white with little black spots.   He was gorgeous!  I didn’t ask me ma where she got him from… I didn’t care, and didn’t want to know.

It was the best birthday EVER!  And now I’m a man, I can look after me ma better, and protect her from the evil Whiskey bottle.   I’m the man of the house now, and no one can take that away from me!

  1. Richard Barclay says:

    Tommy! You were robbed. £4.95 for a full English breakfast? You can get one for £3.99 including a mug of tea or coffee in London’s Soho. Also, next time you find a fiver and you swing by that cafe, give the waitress a tip; tell her to drop the attitude because you ain’t the one waiting tables and flipping burgers for minimum wage.

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