The Royal Footstool!

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
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As it was Bank Holiday, I decided to go wandering down to one of the posh streets, just off Liverpool city centre.  All the houses are dead posh there, and you should see what they put in their skips!   I once pulled a washing up bowl, a dish drainer, AND a set of perfectly good pans from one for me ma! (One of the handles had fell off, but I managed to screw on a bit of wood to make a new one!).    Me ma was made up!

So today I took a walk back down this street where all the poshies lived. people do loads of DIY on Bank Holidays, so I guessed there would be one or two skips full of goodies; and there was!

Stroke of luck… I spotted a skip at the side of a road in the distance  straight away!   As I got closer I was starting to get excited, it was full up with all kinds of stuff!  Lamps, chairs, bits of wood… all kinds!  I was like a kid in a sweetshop!    Then I noticed there was a fella coming out of his posh house, and heaving another kitchen chair onto it.     I thought I’d better lie low for a bit until he finishes.   I hid behind a black BMW with shiny alloys, and tyres so clean that you’d swear no one had ever driven it on a road before.

Once the fella had gone back into his big posh house for about 5 minutes, I figured that he’d finished with the skip for now.. so I snuck round the side of it and peeped up over the top….   It was amazing.. it was like Aladdin’s cave!  So while no one was looking, I pulled myself up and rolled into it (it’s the only way I could have a proper look around!). 

There were these dead fancy wooden kitchen chairs.. no point in having them in our house though.. we just eat our chips on our knees by the (broken) tele!

Then  I suddenly spotted this dead posh little brown leather chair, sort of like a little stool, but square.   It was dead smart! And it looked as shiny and new as the day it was bought!  I thought ‘me ma would love this!’.  So I moved away some bits of wood and a broken bookcase which was holding it down, and I tried awkwardly to lift it while I was half lying on my side (it’s impossible to stand up in a full skip!).   

I nearly shit myself as I heard a voice, ‘Need a hand with that?’.   My head spun around to see the fella from the house peering over the top of the skip, staring at me.   I dropped the stool and tried to act like I was just passing, and I’d fell in! 

‘Er, sorry mate.. I was just.. er, passing.   And I looked into your skip, and fell in.’  I shook my head and tutted ‘You should be careful, keeping skips wherepeople can fall in to them!’

The fella looked amused, not angry.  He smiled and stretched out his hand ‘Do you want a hand with that footstool?’

What?’  I didn’t know what to say.   ‘I wasn’t robbing, honest!  I just fell in’.

‘It’s okay, The more you take home from this skip, the more I can put in it’.   The fella smiled and put out his hand, attempting to help me to my feet, which was totally impossible!  I smiled, feeling dead awkward, and more than a bit suspicious of him.  Why was he being nice, and not calling me a thieving scumbag?  I didn’t get it… at least you know where you stand when someone calls you a thieving scumbag!

Pull the footstool out towards me, and I’ll lift it over the top of the skip’ said the fella.

I looked down at the brown stool ‘Is that the ‘footstool’?   I didn’t even know what a footstool was.

‘Yes, come on, give it here’.    The fella put out his hands, and I tried to balance while I lifted the footstool (which was dead heavy!) up towards him.    He took it from my hands and placed it down on the ground next to the skip.  He put his hand out and helped me to the top of the skip so I could jump down.   I wiped my hands on my jeans and stared up at him, not really knowing my next move.

‘Take it, it’s yours!’ He said.     I didn’t know what to do… was this a trick?   Was I going to take the stool, and then 20 bizzies would come round the corner and cart me off to the nick?

What IS a footstool’?   I asked.    He laughed, a friendly, nice laugh, it made me laugh too.   

‘It’s a stool you put your feet on!’

That made the stool seem even posher!   Me ma would just love a stool that was used just to put her feet on!   How Royal is that!  Bet the Queen’s got one!

Thanks mate’ I grinned.

It was then I saw the one thing that I wanted for me ma more than anything else….  A big tele!  (Binny broke ours)   It was sitting on the backseat of a silver Audi, parked next to the skip.   That tele’s not for the dump is it?’

‘Yes it is actually..

Is it broke?’

No, it’s working.  It’s just an old tube set’ He said.  I didn’t have a clue was a tube set was, but  I thought, well, in for a penny, in for a pound…

‘Can I have it?’   I gritted my teeth, waiting for the slap across the head, but he laughed again.

Yes, by all means.. take it.   Saves me taking it to the tip!

My God, it was like Crimbo day!   Me ma would be soooo made up!   New tele.. new ‘footstool’ to rest her feet on.   I couldn’t believe my luck!

The fella stared at me, smiling for ages; I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

And what’s your name, son?’  He said (still smiling).

I really didn’t know whether to give him a false name, just in case the whole thing WAS a setup!  But I found myself telling him my real name.   

‘My name’s Tommy Doherty… But they call me Tommy Scouse’.  

‘Tommy Scouse, eh!   Well Tommy Scouse… pleased to meet you! My name is Anthony.’  Anthony put his arm out, and I shook his hand. 

I liked Anthony, he was dead smart.

 Anthony  said he’d give me a lift in his Audi back to my house if  I wanted.   I couldn’t say no really – I could hardly lift the bleeding footstool, never mind the tele!

I got in his big, fancy car, with light grey leather seats.. soooo nice.  Never been in anything like it before.   It had holes to put drinks in, and a ten CD multichanger!    There were cars, and there were cars… and THIS was a CAR!

I had to tell Anthony where my house was.  As we got closer, I started to feel sick in my throat and dead ashamed.  Wish I’d just tried to carry the tele now, at least he wouldn’t get to know what a shit hole I lived in.  At the end of our street I told him to just drop me off there, but he wouldn’t.  He said I’d never carry the tele on my own… he was right.

When I pointed the house out.. an old 2 bedroom, chipped, red brick terrace, with net curtains the colour of  dirty dish water (The upstairs net curtain is stuck to the inside of the window with sellotape!!), I could see the look on his face.. and he defo wasn’t impressed.

‘It’s just temporary!  You know, ‘til me ma gets a job’.    I was babbling, I know I was.

Anthony smiled at me again… sort of a warm ‘feel sorry’ for me type smile.   I trusted him for some reason… don’t know why.

He helped me with the tele and the stool, and carried the tele to my front door.   I put the key in and prayed that there was no one home.  ‘It’s okay, you can leave the tele there, ta’.  I said.

As I put the key in the door, it flung open.  I could have died when I saw Bubonic Binny (that’s what I’ve been calling him in my head!) standing there in a pair of week old underpants, and a vest the colour of our net curtains.  ‘What the f&ck’s going on here?!’ he said.

Anthony put the tele carefully on the ground and held out his hand for Binny to shake, ‘Hello, I’m Anthony, I’m just helping Tommy with his new TV’.

Binny’s eyes lit up at the site of the huge tele, ‘I’m Tommy’s dad.  Give us it here mate’.   Bubonic Binny ignored Anthony’s hand and went straight for the tele, picking it up and staggering like a pissed crab down the hall and out of site with it.

I looked up at Anthony ‘He’s not my dad. I hardly know him.’  

He smiled sadly and nodded, ‘Are you going to be all right now with your tele and your footstool?’

I nodded,Thanks for the stuff.’

‘You’re welcome Tommy Scouse’, he smiled.  He walked off towards his dead posh Audi with the light grey leather seats, and the ten CD multi-changer. ‘And if you need anything else, you’re welcome to raid my skip anytime!’ he shouted.   I smiled as he drove off out of our street.

 When I went in the house, Binny had put the tele on the floor and was sitting sprawled on the couch with can of lager in his hand.  I take it he didn’t know how to wire up the tele… so I did it.    And it worked..  just brilliant!  Binny fell asleep, so I had the tele channels all to myself.

Me ma was in bed; said she wasn’t feeling too well.. so I thought I’ll put the ‘footstool’ away, and give it to her when she’s feeling better, and when Bubonic Binny wasn’t about.

It was an almost perfect night.. sitting on the chair, with Regal cuddled up next to me, watching my new tele (I’d snuck Regal downstairs when Binny fell asleep, or he wouldn’t let me have Regal around).  If I focussed hard enough, I could barely hear Binny’s snoring on the couch, with his beer can still in his hand.   

I knew that one day soon, Binny would be gone from here, and then me and me ma (and Regal) could be dead happy with our new dead big tele, and the shiny, brown leather footstool for her to rest her feet on , like what the Queen does…..



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