Mixed Feelings

Posted: January 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Lights… Camera… Action!  My Chrimbo was like something from one of those perfect family black and white films they have on in the middle of the afternoon!     I spent Chrimbo eve night in a big double bed with clean, white sheets.  I even had a dead posh walk in shower in a room off the bedroom, which they called an ‘en suite’, whatever the bleedin’ hell that is!  I made sure I washed all over the place before I went to bed, (which I was glad about or those sheets wouldn’t look so white by the morning!).

I woke up Chrimbo morning forgetting where I was.. I thought I was dreaming or something.   The day was just out of this world.. Chrimbo dinner – meat, gravy, potatoes, loads of veg….  apple sauce and pickled onions… The works!   I have NEVER eaten so much in all my life.  Then after Chrimbo dinner, Anthony and Susan gave me this Chrimbo card.. when I opened it I started crying… ONE HUNDRED NICKER!  In twenty pound notes!  I didn’t know what to say..I’ve never had that much money in the palm of my hand before!

‘I don’t know what to say!’ I said.

They just smiled and said ‘You don’t have to say anything, just make sure you spend that on yourself, and no one else’.

I cried.  I wished that Anthony and Susan were my ma and dad.   I wonder why they’re being so nice to me.. it’s not a natural thing for people to do where I’m concerned.

And then I cried again, ’cause I thought about me ma, alone at home with a hangover on Christmas day.   I haven’t even given her my prezzy. I was feeling dead guilty for feeling happy.  I shouldn’t feel happy.. I’d left me ma all by herself at a time when she needed me most.

Anthony knew what was up.   He offered to take me home to see me ma.  He said she’s welcome to come back and spend the rest of Chrimbo with them.

My house was cold and dark – no sign of Christmas..    I went into me ma’s room; it was empty (apart from a mop bucket full of sick).  I knew where she was.. she was back on the ale.  The note I left in the kitchen had moved onto the table, so she’d seen it. But she’d chosen not to come to see me.  I felt guilty and mad at the same time.

I cried again (I hate myself for crying).

Anthony asked if I wanted to go back to his house and finish Christmas.  I did.

I went back to the warm, friendly house filled with Christmas.   But my heart was empty… it was clear.. my ma didn’t give a f&ck about me.  I  hated her for that.

And I don’t know if I can carry on like I have been.  The knot in my stomach keeps causing tears, and I’m feeling so angry.  It’s just getting worse by the day.




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