Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Before the blackout -Photo by Jilly Gardiner

Before the blackout –
Photo by Jilly Gardiner

Can’t believe Chrimbo’s just days away.  It’s a whole year since I robbed that Chrimbo tree from someone’s garden and put it in our living room!  Can’t believe it’s already time to go and rob another one.    Our house has got no Chrimbo decos; me ma celebrates Chrimbo by drinking double what she usually does, and staying out for even longer than normal.  So it’s my job to make the house look brighter and Christmasy.

It’s dark when I leave school now, so the day before yesterday I went walking down the posh street where I robbed that dead nice tree from last year.  They put loads of Chrimbo lights outside their houses and it looks dead boss.  One house had a little steam train made of coloured lights on their garden – I really wished we could have that outside ours.   But next to the steam train was a small, fat Chrimbo tree in a pot – just perfect for our living room.  I noticed the house still had their curtains open, so I had to be careful when I bunked into their garden.  The lights from the steam train made it hard for me to hide, but there were loads of bushes for me to stoop behind.   The only problem with nicking Chrimbo trees out of gardens is that they always have lights on them! Have you tried to untangle those lights?  It’s not easy you know!

Anyway, I could see there were people wandering around the living room inside the house, so I really had to be extra careful.   I stooped by the side of the tree and started to pull the lights off, but they weren’t budging.  So then I had the bright idea of getting my flicky out (which I’ve  started carrying for when Zani’s lads come and kick my head in) and started cutting the wire to the lights so I could just carry the whole tree away in the pot with the lights still attached (it’s less hassle than untangling them!).  As I cut the wire, the lights went out and the tree was dark – but I wasn’t expecting such a dramatic impact from light to dark in the garden – somehow it made the steam train lights go out too, and all the other Chrimbo lights in the garden.  This was VERY noticable!   I saw a face of a woman in the window.. she was staring out onto the garden but I don’t think she could see anything with it being so dark.   Then the light came on in the hall, and the door opened.    I don’t mind telling you that I nearly shit myself!  Some fella came out onto the path from the house and stared into the garden.. he stood there for a life time (I reckon), and I hid at the back of the small tree, not even breathing.   I was dead made up when he turned and started walking back into the house shouting ‘Must be the fuse’.   He shut the door behind him as he went in.

I thought I’ve only got seconds to carry the tree away before he’s back out wondering what else is causing the blackout, so I picked up the tree in the pot (it was like a lead weight) and staggered across the garden onto the pavement.  It was then I saw the kid in the window… he was about four, and was sitting on the back of the settee staring at the dark garden.  I stopped and put the heavy pot down.   I could see his bottom lip going as he looked out at the blackness.   Tears rolled down his face as he started sobbing; I could even hear him from the other side of the window.

It broke my heart… How could I take his Chrimbo tree away?  Call me stupid, but I had to put it back.   So I staggered back into the garden with the tree in the pot.  I was just putting it back where I found it when the outside light came on and the front door flung open.   There was I, caught red-handed; bending over the Chrimbo tree.  I couldn’t move…. I just stared at the fella in the doorway (I didn’t know what else to do).  He stared back.

‘I was putting it back!’ I said, knowing how stupid it sounded.

He shouted into the house, but didn’t take his eyes off me, ‘Call the police!’.

I felt my feet again and legged it off across the garden and down the road.  I felt him chase me out of the garden but wasn’t sure if he was tailing me down the road, so I kept running for ages until I had a stitch.

There’s only one thing for it.. I’m going have to do the decent thing and pay for a tree off Greaty Market this year … I can’t have a crying kid on my conscience!

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Lights… Camera… Action!  My Chrimbo was like something from one of those perfect family black and white films they have on in the middle of the afternoon!     I spent Chrimbo eve night in a big double bed with clean, white sheets.  I even had a dead posh walk in shower in a room off the bedroom, which they called an ‘en suite’, whatever the bleedin’ hell that is!  I made sure I washed all over the place before I went to bed, (which I was glad about or those sheets wouldn’t look so white by the morning!).

I woke up Chrimbo morning forgetting where I was.. I thought I was dreaming or something.   The day was just out of this world.. Chrimbo dinner – meat, gravy, potatoes, loads of veg….  apple sauce and pickled onions… The works!   I have NEVER eaten so much in all my life.  Then after Chrimbo dinner, Anthony and Susan gave me this Chrimbo card.. when I opened it I started crying… ONE HUNDRED NICKER!  In twenty pound notes!  I didn’t know what to say..I’ve never had that much money in the palm of my hand before!

‘I don’t know what to say!’ I said.

They just smiled and said ‘You don’t have to say anything, just make sure you spend that on yourself, and no one else’.

I cried.  I wished that Anthony and Susan were my ma and dad.   I wonder why they’re being so nice to me.. it’s not a natural thing for people to do where I’m concerned.

And then I cried again, ’cause I thought about me ma, alone at home with a hangover on Christmas day.   I haven’t even given her my prezzy. I was feeling dead guilty for feeling happy.  I shouldn’t feel happy.. I’d left me ma all by herself at a time when she needed me most.

Anthony knew what was up.   He offered to take me home to see me ma.  He said she’s welcome to come back and spend the rest of Chrimbo with them.

My house was cold and dark – no sign of Christmas..    I went into me ma’s room; it was empty (apart from a mop bucket full of sick).  I knew where she was.. she was back on the ale.  The note I left in the kitchen had moved onto the table, so she’d seen it. But she’d chosen not to come to see me.  I felt guilty and mad at the same time.

I cried again (I hate myself for crying).

Anthony asked if I wanted to go back to his house and finish Christmas.  I did.

I went back to the warm, friendly house filled with Christmas.   But my heart was empty… it was clear.. my ma didn’t give a f&ck about me.  I  hated her for that.

And I don’t know if I can carry on like I have been.  The knot in my stomach keeps causing tears, and I’m feeling so angry.  It’s just getting worse by the day.

 

 

Out of the works of the Scientology Volunteer ...

Haitian Earthquake - Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been on the computer in the library learning all about Haiti.     That big earthquake killed about ten-thousand people!  What if they were my cousins, and my nan and grandad?  What if there’s no one left in Haiti who would care for me and take me in?  What if they’re all dead and I didn’t even get to meet them?

What if the only person I’ve got left in the world is me ma? And she hasn’t come home again.    I’ve spent the last few nights worrying sick about her – what if she’s dead somewhere?  It’s not the first time she’s gone missing for days.  Last time I ended up calling the bizzies, and they came and took a statement – that was when they ended up putting me back into care again.  Me ma had said it was my fault I’d gone back into care, because I’d grassed her up to the bizzies.  But I hadn’t.. I was just worried she might be dead or something.

So this time I won’t call the bizzies.  If she’s not home by boxing day I’ll go and tell someone.. but not the bizzies.  I spent the afternoon in my bedroom getting my ma’s Chrimbo prezzy ready – if she decides to come home.  It’s just a fancy wooden chair I found in a skip.. but I’ve painted it white and used a little brush to put little flowers on it (I remember once she said she really liked flowers).    Once it was painted I sat on the bed and stared at it; it looked dead nice and new – I’m sure she’d love it!

Out the blue again.. the tears started, they fell out my eyes like a waterfall.  Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop.  I laid down on my bed and just cried and cried, until my pillow was soaked through.    I feel so alone.

I want my dad (even if he is a convicted murderer), I want to see my cousins and nan and grandad in Haiti (If they’re still alive from the earthquake)… I want me ma (But not as she is now).

Please God.. bring me ma back safely…I don’t want to be all alone for Christmas….

Christmas in the Caribbean - Photo by Jilly Gardiner

Me ma didn’t get up until mid afternoon today – then a double shot of strong coffee, a ciggy,  and she was straight out on the ale again.

I’ve broken up from school for Chrimbo now, and I’m just dead made up to get away from all the kids who don’t know what else to talk about but Chrimbo… The new Xbox games they’re getting.. the new clothes… their travel arrangements to their nan’s houses in Southampton or Dublin.   Richy Garston is going to Barbados for Chrimbo. .The lucky b@stard!!  I wanted to tell him that I was going to the Caribbean too.. to Haiti, to see me nan and grandad (‘Cause apparently my dad’s from Haiti – so me ma tells me).   I wanted to tell lucky b@stard Richy Garston that I’d be sitting on a beach too, drinking pina colada cocktails, and eating pineapple icecream till it comes out my ears!

If my dad (who’s in Strangeways doing life) really IS my dad, then I’ll have loads of relatives like cousins and grandparents and stuff in Haiti won’t I?  I bet they’d be dead made up to see me; their long lost grandson that they didn’t know was ever even born!

I’m really fed up with Chrimbo – I just can’t wait for January.. back to normal.  Me ma still hasn’t come back from the boozer…

I’m feeling quite low tonight…. I’ve got this huge knot in my gut for some reason.  I’ve been laying on my bed thinking.. and just burst out crying like a girl!  Christmas is for little kids, not for 13-year-old men like me… so why do I feel like this?

I f&ckin’ hate Chrimbo!

English: Paul McCartney, George Harrison and J...

Image via Wikipedia

Everyone’s going on about Chrimbo!   Chrimbo this.. Chrimbo that….  Can’t see what all the fuss is about myself!   Empty, cold house, watching the tele, wondering how bladdered me ma will be when she gets home… will she be carried home, or will she be able to walk all by herself (I have bets with myself).   Kids in our school get dead excited about it!  It’s just a commercial scam me ma says.  All that money on prezzies that the kids only play with for five minutes, and they’re put out with the rubbish by New Year.

I’d love a guitar for Chrimbo.    I’ve been sneaking a go of Bubonic Binny’s guitar for weeks now… and I think it’s fair to say… I’m getting pretty good at it!   I haven’t got a book or nothing, and can’t pay for fancy lessons, but I can play a good rendition of ‘Let it Be’ by the Beatles!   Binny still hasn’t noticed I’ve been playing it.  But it’s just stuck in the corner of the living room gathering dust – so it’s a shame not to put it to some use.  I’m working on ‘Come together’ by John Lennon… I’ve got the first bit sounding pretty great, but I’m still trying to get my head around the ‘Doo do neee ee neee’ bit.   They do music in our school.. If I had a guitar I could go and get lessons there.

I’ve cut a picky of a guitar out of the catalogue, and I put it on the side board in the kitchen, where me ma makes her double shot of strong coffee (like treacle!),   I’m hoping it’ll give her ideas of what to get me.  It’s a cheaper guitar, and it’ll be even cheaper if she buys it second hand (or cheaper again if it’s knock off!).. so I’m sure she could afford it.

Please God… make me ma get us the guitar for Chrimbo (Knock off will do!)  and I won’t ask for any birthday or Chrimbo prezzies for the next ten years!

I’ve decided I’m going to pick up a Christmas tree and put it in our living room, and decorate it with fancy lights.  I’m going to go out this afternoon and see where I can get one!  It might even get me ma in the Chrimbo spirit, and she might think I deserve a guitar!