Posts Tagged ‘neglect’

Jack has turned out to be my bezzy mate in loads of ways (well, not forgetting Regal of course!) You wouldn’t believe he was only five. He’s dead funny, and makes me laugh even when I’m feeling sad.  I hate it when me ma doesn’t come home from the boozer, or there’s nothing for Jack to eat in the cupboard, ’cause I’m terrified that social services will come and take him into care and leave me on my own.   Or even worse than that, I’m afraid they’ll put me into care instead, and leave Jack with Binny and me ma – who’d take care of him then?

It’s my job to look after him.. and if that means getting out of this shit hole of a house and away from Binny and me ma… that’s what we’ll do.

I'll see you all right, Jack.

I’ll see you all right, Jack

Photo by Jilly Gardiner

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By early May me ma was hardly ever in, and when she was she was so off her head that she could hardly speak.  It hurt so much at first, but I had this other life;   a fantastic life where I walked Penny Salerno home from school every night, and then I’d go for tea round to Anthony and Susan’s house.  Anthony was Boss.   I’d never have been able to survive on the food in our cupboard at home…. a jar of mouldy piccalilli and a tin of sliced peaches (which had been there since I’d come back to live with me ma from the foster parents).

I can touch the light, and it feels dead good! Photo by Jilly Gardiner

Anthony could sense things weren’t going well in our house, so Susan was making dead gorgeous scran every night, and then washing and drying my school clothes for me to take home for the next day.   Susan had even gone out and bought me a pack of new white school shirts from Next!

I was feeling dead smart when I’d walk Penny home from school.   Then on Saturdays I’d fish on the dock, and Sundays I’d go to Ray’s at tea time to walk our Regal, and they’d always give me a load of ham and tomato butties and trifle for afters……   Yeah life was fantastic!

I just dreaded nine o’clock at night when I’d go home, put the key in the door and not be sure what I’d find.   It was mostly a relief when me ma wasn’t in; but if she was I was terrified to find what state she might be in.    One night I found her lying draped over a tipped up chair in the kitchen – puke all over the floor, and a cup smashed to pieces with her still holding on to the handle (with nothing else attached).

Sometimes Binny was there… sometimes he wasn’t.  He was always in the same state as me ma if he was there.  I reckon neither of them ever noticed me come in… I wondered if me ma remembered I lived there at all.   I’d just go to my room and lock the door, lie on the bed and surround myself with National Geographic mags.  Then before I went to sleep I’d think about my walk home with the gorgeous Penny Salerno, and her smile….. thinking of her always relaxed me (worked me up in a good way, but made me feel relaxed and content).

The less I was seeing of my ma, the more I could pretend everything was brilliant.

Ma…. I just want to say.. Happy Mother’s day.

I love you no matter what.

I love you even when I hate you.

Love from your son

Tommy xx

English: jkklglh

Image via Wikipedia

(and I’m going to tell you this tomorrow when you’re sober)

You should have seen the state of my face! I’d have looked better if a tractor had run over it, and then reversed back over it with a plough attached!  I look a lot better now… as long as I don’t open my gob.    It’s dead hard to talk without showing my teeth!

I went to school for the first time today since it happened.   Didn’t want to miss too much, and was fed up with sitting on the dock and not talking to no one.   I didn’t even go and walk Regal on Sunday ’cause I didn’t want Ray to see my face… and Regal always makes me laugh, so it would have been a dead giveaway.

I don’t smile much at school, so I knew I’d be able to get away with it.   And Penny Salerno is off with the flu, so at least I won’t have to smile at her, and she won’t see what a state the inside of my mouth is in.

Thing is…. Teeth don’t grow back do they?  Well not your second lot anyway.    So I need to see a dentist, but I haven’t got one.  One of the teeth that fell out has left a gaping hole the size of the Grand Canyon which has swollen right up like a pig’s foot! And I don’t mind telling you, it’s f&ckin’ killing me.   I can’t eat on one side of my mouth, and I can’t sleep with the pain.  I’ve been swigging on me ma’s whiskey (which she keeps hidden under the settee) just to ease the pain so I can sleep…… and let me tell you – it’s taking a lot of whiskey to knock me out!  But now I’m back at school I don’t want to get up with a hang over, so I’ve tried to cut it out.   I really do need to go to the dentist.

And me ma?   Well… she knows f&ck all about what she did.   And I think I’ve seen her about 3 times since she knocked me against the wall, and that was just to help her to bed when she comes in bladdered from the boozer after hours.  I’ve been helping her to bed and getting her coffee and water, but I can’t look at her in the face.. I still feel so mad.   I love her.. but I hate her.

Now to find a dentist.