King's Dock, Liverpool - Photo by Jilly Gardiner
I laid low until the middle of the night.. sat on the dock most of the evening, watching the ferries dock and sail away. I thought if I stay away from the house long enough, Binny will be pissed and will fall into a coma, so he wouldn’t hear me come in.
By half past one in the morning, it was getting cold. The sky was clear and the stars were really bright. The night was light and looked pretty, but the giant sick ball in my chest was still there. I did a lot of thinking while I sat there. I remember hearing about the Nazis form of psychological torture, where they’d capture a Jewish family. Then they’d line their kids up against a wall and make the parents choose which child they should shoot dead! If the parents refused to choose, then the Nazis would kill all of the children. I thought that’s got to be the worst form of torture.
It made me think of me ma; who would she choose if the Nazis captured her? If they lined up me, Binny, and a full bottle of whisky against the wall, and then asked her to choose who gets shot dead. The first she’d choose to be shot through the head would be between me and Binny I reckon… I’d like to think she’d choose Binny to be shot instead of me, but I can’t be sure on that one. But I was pretty sure which one she’d save… The full bottle of whiskey! It’s the whiskey she loves most out of all of us.
I felt sick as I walked home along the quiet dock. I looked up at the sky; stars in the shape of an elephant! I don’t ever remember seeing a constellation that supposed to look like an elephant! Dead random!
As I walked down our street, I really was feeling dead sick. In fact I couldn’t hold it any longer, I turned to the wall of a house and threw up, just missing a black cat that flew out from behind a bin and ran off down the road. I thought being sick would stop the pressure in my chest, but it didn’t.
… Key in the door.. the house was all in darkness. I quietly went into the kitchen. Blood spots still covered the units, and smeared red stains on the lino. I snuck as quietly as I could up the stairs, passed me ma’s room. It was so quiet.
Pulled the handle down on my bedroom door, and opened it really quietly, not wanting to start Regal off barking, and waking Binny. Walking into the darkness, there was no noise. I clicked on the light… no Regal. ‘Regal’ I whispered, thinking he was under the bed or something. I got down on my knees and looked under the bed, but just a load of crap, socks, chip paper, tissues, me ma’s Littlewoods catalogue (for the ladies knicker section!) … but no sign of Regal.. I wanted to be sick again. I was struck with a feeling of major panic and realisation… BINNY HAD TAKEN REGAL!